The Armor of Doing: Is Your Self-Talk a Drill Sergeant or a Friend?

One of the things I love about coaching is hearing someone’s story. It surprised me, too! I grew up as the storyteller—the one delivering the energy to the crowd. But now, when I truly see someone and they tell the story that sits beneath a tough mask, a glow comes through. The power in hearing it blows me away every single time.

The Cliché We Can’t Ignore

In a world of "Inner Critic" workshops and constant imposter syndrome talk, I’ll be honest: I roll my eyes. It feels so cliché. It’s what everyone wants to talk about. But the truth is, most of my clients don’t even know they have an inner narrative that is literally inventing their life. Once they see it, they see it. It sticks.

Too Tough and Too Soft

When I did my capstone on self-talk and resilience, it was fully to answer a question for myself: How soft am I really? Like, really? For years I was both too tough and too soft at the same time. Impressive, I know. I realized I was doing exactly what Brené Brown talks about: I armor up, and I armor up hard. But when I see my clients do this, something in me shifts. My armor goes down. A sadness rolls in because I realize this is what we think we need to do to survive. We’ve been fed this lie that if we just work hard enough and do enough, we will finally validate our existence. We treat worthiness like a performance and imposter syndrome as a professional hurdle, but it’s deeper than that. For many of us, "doing" is the only way we know how to feel safe.

The Ventriloquist in Your Head

My obsession with self-talk taught me something huge about turning these moments of connection into moments of learning and awareness. There’s a psychologist named Lev Vygotsky who hit on a powerful idea: We internalize the external before we can ever externalize ourselves.

That means what you say to yourself during your hardest moments was likely said to you first. You aren't "bad" at self-talk; you are just repeating a voice you swallowed to stay safe. You used that voice because you believed you needed it to protect yourself. When I see this in others, that sadness rolls in again—not because they are "weak," but because I recognize the exhaustion of the journey. We are a generation of high-achievers who are desperately in need of healing.

Tea with Mara

Most people, once they realize they have negative self-talk, just want to get rid of it. But what if there was another way? What if we could just sit and hold the hardest parts of ourselves?

The reason experts like Tara Brach or Kristin Neff tell us to embrace the critic rather than fight it is simple: What we resist, persists. When you fight your inner critic, you’re trying to use armor to defeat armor. Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that the critic is actually part of our threat-defense system—it thinks it’s keeping you safe from failure. If you attack it, it just screams louder to "protect" you.

As Tara Brach says, "Have tea with Mara." Thank the voice for trying to help you, and then let it go. We forget: Thoughts aren't facts. Your productivity isn't your worth. Your productivity is not your pulse. Your existence was validated the moment you were born. The rest is just a story.