The Power of Phase 1: Connecting Before Solving

When we’re faced with a problem — especially in fast-paced, high-stakes environments — our instinct is to move fast. Fix the thing. Solve the issue. Get to the answer.

But here’s the paradox: rushing to fix often slows us down.

Because in most conversations — whether with a customer, teammate, or coaching client — what looks like a problem to be solved is often a person to be understood. That’s why the first phase of The Arc of a Conversation is all about connection and understanding.

Before we solve, we listen. Before we explain, we explore.

Why Phase 1 Matters

When we skip this phase, we risk solving the wrong problem or escalating frustration. When we stay in it, we create the foundation for collaboration and trust.

This first phase has two core intentions:

1. To understand both the relationship and the situation.

2. To establish emotional safety so that problem-solving can happen productively.

Think of it like stabilizing a wobbly table before setting the meal down — the conversation won’t hold weight until there’s balance.

The Six Strategies for Connection & Understanding

So, how do we actually do this in practice?

Here are six simple but powerful strategies to guide your first few minutes of any meaningful conversation:

1. Relationship: Start with warmth and respect

Begin by matching tone, pace, and energy. Whether it’s a frustrated customer, a stressed colleague, or a coaching client — meet them where they are.

A calm and grounded tone signals safety and respect.

2. Context: Understand what’s really happening

Ask clarifying questions that uncover both the technical and emotional dimensions of the issue.

“What’s been happening so far?” or “How has this been impacting you?” opens the door to the real story, not just the surface-level problem.

3. Assess the Need: Define what success looks like

Before diving into solutions, ask:

“If this conversation were successful for you, what would that look like?”

This helps align expectations and ensures you’re solving their problem — not just the one you see

4. Mirror Back: Confirm what you’ve heard

Summarize and reflect what the other person has shared:

“So it sounds like you’ve tried X and Y, but it’s still not working — and that’s been pretty frustrating.”

Mirroring validates emotion and confirms accuracy — two cornerstones of trust.

5. Empathetic Listening: Hear beyond the words

Listen for tone, emotion, and what matters most.

It’s not just what they’re saying, but how they’re saying it.

Carl Rogers described this as listening “with the intent to understand, not to evaluate.”

When people feel heard, their nervous system calms down — and only then can you move into productive problem-solving.

6. Curiosity: Assume there’s more to learn

Stay genuinely curious rather than jumping to conclusions.

Curiosity keeps you open — it’s an antidote to defensiveness and a bridge to understanding.

Connection Creates Clarity

When you take time to connect first, you’re not wasting time — you’re buying focus.

People stop defending, lowering the temperature of the situation so that people can start thinking, and together. This mean we actually solve the right problem faster.

Connection isn’t the opposite of efficiency. It’s the foundation for it. So next time you feel the urge to jump straight into “fix it” mode, pause. Take a moment to understand both the person and the problem. That pause might just change the entire conversation.